It's stormy. Grey and overcast. Intermittent downpours followed by incessant spitting. Just enough to keep the intrepid optimist hesitant and indoors. My mood matches the weather. We are lonely today and a bit despondent. Finley has taken to nonstop hopeful shrieking anytime I so much as answer the phone or place a call. Daddy is in that phone. Today she wandered around the living room with the phone clutched in her little hand peering at it ever so often as if willing his face to appear with that coveted FaceTime ring. Forrest acts like he doesn't care or need daddy much. But he needs me a million times over, and if he could, would permanently attach himself in my arms.
I quit my job...my career-advancing, challenging, motivating, inspiring job as an editor for the most iconic magazine and media group in all of Northern Michigan. I really liked it. I was good at it. I was at the cusp of really exciting things. I wasn't ready to leave. And yet... it wasn't my time.
That was months ago actually. But I haven't wanted to write about it. There were a million good reasons that I finally couldn't deny any longer. My children needed me. My family needed at least one parent home consistently. At least someone steady and present. Plus: an arduous commute. Horrific childcare experiences. Laughable pay. The need to pick up as a family and go. It was obvious, and the decision was the right one. I know it. But still... This has happened to me before. I wrote about it too; like de ja vu here. But I miss my work, my career, my life outside of 4 crayoned walls and a sticky kitchen floor. In some ways, I felt like a better mommy, when I wasn't JUST mommy.
But there is an inconceivable joy at watching my babies moment by moment through each day. I find my chest literally aching at the moments and realizations of pure bliss as we walk through life all tangled up in each other. So yes, today, I may feel like I am suffocating. But I won't have this forever. In fact I won't have this for long at all. Their youth is already like sand slipping through my fingers, and the forced slow down and monotony of life right now is creating the memories I will cling to later. I know this. And I am grateful for it.
Tonight's storm will pass. The non stop whiny phase will cease (right?!?!?!) Daddy will come home.
And in the meantime I cling to these images and the knowledge that I am right where I am supposed to be.
(...Though I simply cannot guarantee I won't do this again.)
